SQUAW VALLEY BLACK DIAMOND SKI RUN
Review by: Tony Shitbag

A few years back, Barney Bathroom and I were bored in Lake Tahoe, CA and decided that we’d give skiing at Squaw Valley a shot. What a horrible fuckin' idea that turned out to be. It was by far one of the worst decisions of my life. I wish I had played Russian roulette with an elephant gun instead.

First of all, I think we mistakenly decided to hit the slopes on Fat Day. Where were all the chicks? Where’s the pie? I grew up hearing all these stories about snow bunnies and sex by the fireplace, but all I saw was a bunch of tubby Larries wobbling around in the snow like some dickless penguins. What is this; a ski resort or Plump Forest? I’m surprised the ski lift didn’t snap in half with all these fat assholes riding on it. And boy oh boy did these lardos love the ski lift; they hovered around it like it was a chocolate roller coaster. What a bunch of smiley faced piles.

After cruising down the first couple of slopes, we were bored. We had swallowed all the liquor in our flasks. We decided to step up our game and hit up a black diamond run. BAD IDEA!

First off, there wasn’t a slope or a trail nearby. We were on flat ground in the middle of a goddamn forest. I’m sure if I looked hard enough, I probably would have found Hansel and Gretel nearby dropping bread crumbs in the mud. Look you fucks, I am not Goldilocks and I do not want to hang out with some fuckin' bears in between a bunch of trees. And why in the hell are there no hills around here? Jesus Christ! Walking across flat land with skis on is just about the gayest thing I’ve ever done. I felt like I was walking in drying cement. I felt like boat anchors were tied to my boots.

Once we actually found a slope to ski down, it just happened to be the steepest fuckin' hill in the history of the world. It was like looking down into the Grand Canyon. How is this legal? How are people allowed to ski down this? After sliding down a hill that looked like a monster’s tongue, I then proceeded to lose control, flip completely over in mid-air, and land directly on my fuckin' head. For the first few minutes, I felt like I was paralyzed. Then I was just plain angry.

I hate skiing. It’s so much effort. It’s like running with a pile of Eggo waffles beneath your feet, but worse. Fuck people that ski. I hope you all fall off a ledge, get smothered by an avalanche of powdery snow, and choke on your goggles. Go ski into a rock and break your leg. I hope you get a frost bitten dick so that every time you jerk off, you can’t help but make snow cones as well.

Why in the fuck can’t someone invent comfortable ski boots? Why don’t you just strangle my feet with some barbed wire? I feel like I’m trying to squeeze into my First Communion shoes when I try these fuckin' things on. And is it really that hard to invent a boot that people can actually walk in? This heel-first shit pisses me the fuck off. How do you expect me to take steps like this? Who am I, Frankenstein? Maybe I should just buy some wooden clogs, fasten them to my feet, and set them on fire. That’s about how fantastic these ski boots felt.

Bottom line: Skiing is a sport for fags. It’s about as dainty as running barefoot through a field of soft marshmallows. It’s a shame that so many people flock to the snow just to slide across it with big fence posts attached to their feet. Seems odd if you ask me, but hey, who am I to say you’re a loser? You fucking loser!

Posted: 01/01/08