HALF MOON BAY DEEP SEA FISHING TRIP
Review by: Barney Bathroom

I was told that this would be a fun experience. I’ve never really wanted to go deep sea fishing, but I wanted to try it just so I can say that I did. I went to bed early and woke up with the fuckin’ rooster in the morning. Tony Shitbag, Tony’s dad, his dad’s friend, my friend Mat and I were all victims of this horrible never-ending fight with Neptune. This wasn’t no “Neptune’s Kingdom” at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk with miniature golf, ocean themed restaurant, and overpriced souvenir shop. This was wake up at 4:00 AM and have Neptune jam his big long pitchfork up my ass! I’d rather have crabs, lobsters, and crawdads pinch me with their claws at the same time on my scrotum than ever go deep sea fishing again! This was not your ordinary everyday deep sea fishing trip either. This trip was more like finding out that you just got diagnosed with herpes.

The sun was rising up over the hills by the time we got to the docks. We went into the bait shop, rented deep sea fishing poles, bought some bait, and then headed over to the boat. The next thing I remember is getting on the boat and Mat kicking his $200 deep sea fishing pole into the water. He leaned his pole up against the guard rail of the boat then while putting his fishing bag down he trips over the fishing pole and the pole flips over the guard rail into the water. What a great sequence! Anyway, I’m getting off the point of one of my worst experiences ever. Once all the passengers were on the boat it seemed like I was in the middle of Hong Kong at the strike of midnight on Chinese New Year! Everyone was shoulder to shoulder! Hey, nice job on over stocking the boat! I already knew that we were all in for a very long trip.

Once we headed out of the marina it started to rain. The clouds looked very threatening. The water was actually pretty rough and my stomach was a little queasy. The captain was taking us out to a shallow area near some abandon islands far off the coastline. While waiting to get to this area Tony and I were sitting out on the deck talking. Tony had a nice can of Sprite in his hand and showed no warnings, that I could see, of getting sick. All of a sudden out of no where Tony chunders all over this guys fishing bag. This was a huge surprise; he just pulled off the chill barf. You know… the “chill barf,” where you’re just chillin’ acting like the average everyday person and then the next second your barfin’. Well, that was Tony! Sprite and plain ham & cheese sandwich ralph all over the next man’s fishing bag! This was the beginning of an array of barf sequences for the Shitbag. He was not the only one to spew during this trip. I also fell victim to the chunder gods.

We finally got to our fishing spot and the water was so rough that one second we were on top of the world and the next second we were surrounded by water. The waves were not crashing, but the swells were about 8-10 feet tall! I started to get so sick that I couldn’t even fish! I barfed of the side of the boat holding on for dear life with my barf guard rail grip so I wouldn’t fall into the water. Not only was I barfing off the side of the boat, but it was raining, windy, the water was rough as hell, and the boat was way over stocked with passengers. It was so windy that my barf was flying sideways as it came out of my mouth; so windy in fact that some of my barf flew vertically and hit Mat in the face. All I heard from Mat was, “Awww!” I then glance over at Tony and he’s sitting on the floor of the deck Indian style looking like he’s dying. I feel your pain Tony... I feel your pain. I don’t know how many times Tony threw up, but I did about four times and the last two times were just dry heaves. Mat was the only soldier of the group and did not throw up once! Tony told me his dad and his dad’s friend threw up, but I never saw it because I wasn’t around them at all on the boat.

This worst experience was far from over! The captain of the boat told us that it was getting way to rough and the weather was getting way too strong, so we had to head back. Thank God! It was pouring rain once we left the fishing spot. The boat was filled with so many people that everyone could not fit in the inside area of the boat. About 10 other people, along with myself, were stuck outside the whole ride back, which took 10 times longer than on the way there. I was sitting on the deck while it rained and while waves splashed over onto the deck. Not cool! I was clinching my butt hole the whole time hoping that the boat didn’t flip over. A couple times it seemed like it was going to. Every five minutes someone would run out from inside and barf off the side of the boat. Many people didn’t even make it in time and barfed all over there hands. What a great thing to witness every five minutes while it’s pouring and ocean water’s flying over the deck and it’s fucking cold and I’m fucking soaked from my socks, to my underwear, to my fucking hair! Stupid bastard fucks taking out all these people to deep sea fish without checking the weather first and over stocking the boat. You're threatening people’s lives! Go to fucking hell! Money hungry pieces of shit! I wish I remembered what this deep sea fishing trip was called, but it was so long ago. Because of this I will never go deep sea fishing again let alone go out in the middle of the ocean where there is no land in sight. FUCK THIS TRIP!!!

Posted: 01/01/08