“STRAWBERRY MUSIC FESTIVAL”
Review by: Barney Bathroom

This was the worst weekend I have ever spent in my entire life! I can’t believe that I was suckered into this bullshit by my ex-girlfriend (she was my girlfriend at the time). I don’t even like blue grass music, which was the only music that was being played at this festival, let alone spending a whole weekend with my girlfriend and her father. My fun old fashioned everyday high school weekend was turned into a couple days of constipated men, ear bleeding music, and pig shit! It’s funny how I can remember almost everything that happened on this trip 10 years ago. I guess because it was burned in my memory as the worst possible fun a teenager could have. A Blue Grass Festival!? More like a Poo Ass Festival! I think I’d rather hit on guys at a bar than ever go to one of these festivals again!

What made my experience here worse than it should have ever been was that my ex-girlfriend’s father was constipated the whole time! Yes, I am serious! All I heard all morning, all afternoon, and all night was piss ass blue grass and fuckin’ “daddy dearest” bitching and moaning about how he couldn’t push out his shit! That weekend I was welcomed to Hell on Earth! Drowning my sorrows in an ice cold bottle of beer or a nice tasty blunt did not help either. If that shit doesn’t help for me than all is lost! Shit, I would have tried a new drug that weekend if it was available to me. My ex-girlfriend almost made me become a drug addict!

Once you’re in Hell it is very hard to get out. I know from experience. Daddy dearest rented a huge trailer for our long Festival of Hell weekend. Staying in that trailer was equivalent to a dog using my weiner as a chew toy! When it was finally time to get the fuck out of there he was way too damn sick to drive this big trailer home, so guess what? I had to drive this big ass torture mobile down this windy road and all the way home. Those who have ever traveled to Yosemite or Strawberry know exactly what windy road I’m talking about. To drive this trailer you need a class “A” license (the same license that semi-truck drivers need). I’ve never driven something this big before, but I had to. Like I said before, “Once you’re in Hell it is very hard to get out.” I ended up driving this thing for about four hours pulling over every half hour so daddy dearest can step out, get some fresh air, and barf all over his shoes. Maybe if he took care of himself and didn’t drink all that damn alcohol while being a diabetic none of this horror would have happened. Thanks ex-girlfriend and daddy dearest for the worst weekend of my life!

Posted: 01/01/08