BADMINTON
Review by: Tony Shitbag

Just when I thought a sport couldn’t be any gayer than tennis, I remembered a little game named “badminton”. Seriously, why not just play chess in front of a net? The only losers who actually enjoy badminton are the REALLY lonely kids in P.E. class, ya know, the ones who are afraid to change clothes in the locker room because they have toddler dicks. If you play badminton competitively in any capacity, you should strongly consider finding the nearest bridge and jumping off it. Trust me, you don’t belong here.

If you’ve never heard of badminton before (good!), it’s pretty much a mixture between playing hacky sack with wooden racquets and having gay buttsex. It’s the equivalent of volleyball, if volleyball had a sex change and changed its name to “vaginaball”.  In other words, it’s sorta like volleyball, but even more pussy. I’m surprised that having a vagina is not a pre-requisite to this game. Matter of fact, it just might be. Let me check the rule book and get back to you.

How much faggier can a “sport” be? Instead of a ball, you play with this spider web looking thing called a “shuttlecock”? I’d rather just play with my own cock. The name “shuttlecock” makes sense though I guess, seeing as how playing badminton is pretty much like hopping on a shuttle to Cocktown. Once you pick up that racquet and spike that shuttlecock over the net, you’ve pretty much waved goodbye to women and your pride for the rest of your life.

Nerds, geeks, dorks, dweebs, and peckerfaces; I’m sorry that you were born to love this game, but get over it. Let it go. Only kids with pink shoes like this game. I bet you’re wearing mismatching socks and a friendship bracelet on your arm you fuckin oil driller! Badminton is for people who drink tea and take baths. It’s for women who have gardens. It’s for old ladies with hair on their faces. Play a real sport. Be a winner. And suck my shuttlecock!

Posted: 01/01/08