CATS
Review by: Paul Poop of The Diarrhea Dozen

Cats suck! Fuck a cat! I’m not talking about lions, tigers, cheetahs, and jaguars either. I’m talking about those little meowing dirty creations that look like hairy poop. The only thing cats are good for is for me to laugh at when I kick one. Watching their tiny bodies fly through the air awkwardly and smash into a wall is one of the funniest things to watch ever. Dropping them off buildings is pretty fun too. Can you land on your feet now you little bitch!?

Why the fuck do cats need a litter box to piss and shit!? Stupid prissy pansy pussies! Do your duties outside like every other animal. I’m not gonna change your shit box so go shit outside like a dog. Cats don’t even listen so why give them names? They are the most stubborn pet anyone can own and every cat secretly hates all of their owners. Well guess what? I openly hate cats and I will hang them up like a speed bag and punch them. I cheered when the cat got electrocuted in Christmas Vacation.

Cats are the dirtiest animals on the planet. They use their tongues for bathing. Petting a cat is like petting a homeless guy’s dirty butthole. Maybe if cats liked water they would be a lot cleaner species. Whenever I see a cat I want to take it into my bathroom, shove into the toilet, close the lid, sit on it, flush the toilet, and listen to the gurgling meows. Purr on my sack you fucking crappy critters! Stop meowing in my ear and rubbing your shit body all over my leg. If cat tasted good I would barbeque that shit and eat it with rice.

Why would you own a cat? They don’t appreciate you. Get a fucking dog and just watch how much more fun they are. If you prefer cats over dogs then I don’t even like you. It’s like choosing a glass full of barf over an ice cream sundae. All cats should be thrown into the sewer and forgotten forever.

Posted: 05/11/08

Read Tommy Turd's Cats Review