CATS
Review by: Tommy Turd of The Diarrhea Dozen

I fucking hate cats! I can almost guarantee you that if you own a cat and I have been around it while you were in the other room, I have kicked the living shit out of it. If your cat cries every time the doorbell rings, I AM WHY! I’ve got a pet cemetery in my backyard right now filled to the brim with prickly cat balls. Fuck em!

Cats are so gay. They are like moving bags of hair. All they do is walk around slowly and scratch kid’s legs. I want to smash them in the face with one of those huge bags of kitty litter until they can’t breathe or meow. I wish cats were like fucking Christmas ornaments and we could hang all of them from trees in our living rooms. I want to piss in their drinking bowls and punch the fur off their bodies. I want to feed cats bags of my big brown shit in tremendously large doses until they die.

Cats are evil as fuck with their goddamn claws and striped bodies. Fuck your stupid looking faces and sharp teeth.  Why in the fuck would I want to own one of you motherfuckers? I’d rather own a toenail factory. I want to punt cats through field goal posts continuously until I break both of my feet. I want to cram a thousand cats into a big ass car and then push it down a hill into a gas truck at full speed. I wish Noah’s arc sank.

Cats look like a big collection of every animal vagina on earth. Stop giving me allergies you motherfucking sons of bitches! And quit rubbing up against me all close like Chinese tourists at Disneyland. Get the fuck off the bed you hairy piece of shit! And stop leaving a fucking hair trail behind you. I want to vacuum a cat’s face. Stop scratching the fucking doors and windows! I can hear you but I’m not opening that shit!

Fuck all of you cat loving losers. If you are a man and you drive around with a cat in your passenger seat, you are fucking gay. If you let a cat sleep next to your feet at night, you are gay as shit. If you watch movies on your couch in the dark while petting your cat, you are SUPER gay. If you dress your cat in little sweaters and put mittens on its paws, you suck big Honky Tonk Man dick. Fuck all of you. See you in hell!

Posted: 05/11/08

Read Paul Poop's Cats Review