Steve Beck’s “THIR13EEN GHOSTS” starring Shannon Elizabeth (2001)
Review by: Barney Bathroom

Thir13een Ghosts? More like 13 slaps in the face! Jesus Christ! Steve Beck is really leaning for some plot for this remake. This film was more like an amusement park ride than a horror flick. Hey Steve Beck... I don’t want to go for a ride; I want to watch a horror film! This is a remake right? A remake of what… the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland? I'm a huge horror movie fan and I haven’t even seen the original. After watching this remake I will never watch the original! I guess that shows how great the original film was.

Okay, the only praises I give this film is that the ghosts were pretty creative and Shannon Elizabeth. Everything else is equivalent to living under a freeway. The whole concept of this film is fucking terrible! How atrocious can a storyline be!? The ghosts can only be seen by wearing some stupid special glasses, and the glass walls move and have spells on them to keep the ghosts from passing through? That sounds like a little kids fantasy Lego land for cryin’ out loud! How cheesy is that!? They might as well of had Mickey Mouse run around with the ghosts too. It wouldn’t make it any worse. Watching a little boy fondle Barbie is more thrilling than that! Shit… at least I get to see some plastic tits! Actually you do see some tits in Thir13een Ghosts… They’re ghost tits, so I guess that means they’re scary tits. I don’t care, that big titty ghost women would get the plunger handle for sure! My three year old cousin would not be scared of this film. Hey Steve Beck… Why are you making kiddy movies that are rated R? That’s not cool!

I actually don’t think this film can be made any better with a horrible storyline like that. Sorry Beck, but trying to remake this was a stupid idea. For your next movie just film a little boy fondling Barbie and watch all the heads you’ll turn.

Posted: 01/01/08