“ALIEN VS. PREDATOR” starring Bishop from Aliens (2004)
Review by: Tony Shitbag

“Are you serious? No, I mean, really. You’re kidding, right? Come on now. Shut the fuck up! You have to be gay!” These are the first words I will say to ANYONE who ever tells me that they enjoyed watching this movie. I would have rather entered a “who can hold their breath the longest underneath a pool of barf” contest than watch this fuckin’ dumpster.

Hey, here’s an idea: Let’s take two of the best sci-fi films ever and combine them into a stew of fecal matter, puke and baby spit. Why didn’t the director just rename this movie “gay vs. gayer” or “worst movie ever vs. homo director” or “gimme a fuckin break vs. everyone in the world?” I just don’t get it. Since when did PG-13 movies become cool? Where the fuck are the “fucks” and “shits” and tits in movies these days? Where are the fuckin’ movies that teach our kids to enjoy murder scenes and talk like truckers? All of the Alien movies and both Predator films are rated R. Why flip the script now? Why would you turn these two tight classic series' into a film that is as gay as a grown man with a coloring book and crayons on the bus?

The original “Predator” and “Alien” are classic films about murder! The Motherfuckin’ predators were out to kill EVERYBODY! They didn’t wanna hold hands with some bitch and jog through outer space! Get your fuckin’ shit straight motherfuckers! They want to destroy your mother, your mailman, even the fuckin’ fat old guy down the street! They don’t wanna fuckin’ have a tea party with some bitch and make her cute presents out of alien skulls. This fuckin’ shit is ridiculous!

Bottom Line: I can’t believe I actually paid to see this film on opening night. Please don’t make the same mistake. Only a fuckin’ geek would like this film. And if you are reading this and you disagree, you are a fuckin’ geek!

Posted: 01/01/08