“BLADE TRINITY” starring Wesley Snipes (2004)
Review by: Tony Shitbag

Here's an idea: why don't I just go to a movie theatre and pay money to throw up on myself. Or maybe I can pay a really large man who's in line outside the movies to punch me in the face. Or maybe I can even have the guy behind the snack bar squirt diarrhea all over my popcorn! All of the above would have been more entertaining and enjoyable than watching Blade Trinity.

What a piece of shit! This movie sucked FogHorn LegHorn cock! Jesus Christ! Just thinking about this shit pisses me the fuck off! I am a huge fan of the first two Blade films. Huge! But what makes these first two films tighter than nun vagina is the fact that they rely heavily upon well-choreographed fight scenes and Wesley's one-liners. This TRINITY relies heavily upon a cast of queers.

Speaking of which, the casting director for this movie HAS to be legally retarded. Why in the fuck would you cast Van Wilder as Blade’s sidekick? This is not a fuckin’ comedy goddamit! This is an action movie so shut the fuck up Van Wilder and stop cracking lame ass jokes that I would read on a popsicle stick in 3rd grade! This fuckin’ Gaylord is dancing around with his shirt off the whole movie telling kiddie jokes. Why don't you dance off the screen and into a gay parade?

Next Question: Why is Jessica Biel in this movie if she is not getting naked? She is one hot piece of ass, but I don't wanna see her do anything that doesn’t involve taking off her clothes. As a matter of fact, that should have been her "special move"- ya know, like in Mortal Kombat, when SubZero tosses icy shit at people, she should have tossed her clothes at them. THEN this film may have gotten a better rating.

Why is Triple H in this movie? That guy is a weird lookin’ troll. He looks kinda like the trolls in the storybook "Billy Goat's Gruff." Why is every character except Blade gayer than I could possibly imagine?

Even Wesley Snipes knew this movie was homo. He sued the company that made the movie because they wouldn't let him handle the choreography for the film and didn't let him have editorial control as stated in his contract. GOOD! GO GET EM WESLEY! AND I HOPE YOU BANGED BIEL BEHIND THE SCENES!

Posted: 01/01/08