First Line Pictures presents “BLAST” starring Eddie Griffin & Vivica A. Fox (2005)
Review By: Creamy Carlton of the Diarrhea Dozen

In light of this new term I learned last weekend in Vegas, I had to do another review of a movie not worth your time of day. As my homie Jason would say, this movie is “Trashcan Juice.” That means that it is worse than trash, it’s all the juices that build up at the bottom of the trash bag. I feel sorry for myself that I lost two hours of my life watching it.

First off, Eddie Griffin is supposed to be a comedian (even though he sucks as one), and not an action hero. Vivica Fox does not fit in as a head FBI agent; she’s usually playing some hot woman role (Booty Call, Independence Day) in her movies, which works. Directors need to start casting their movies appropriately. Actually, now that I think of it, the director probably couldn’t get anyone better for this horrid script. The basic script is that these terrorists disguise themselves as environmental activists, so that they can hi-jack an oilrig and then use it as a threat. Now that’s “Trashcan Juice!”

They even stole my sarcastic motion, which has to do with sliding my finger down my cheek like a tear drop is falling from my eye when someone is crying or complaining about something. But, they used it at a very inappropriate time. The terrorist does it after someone mentions 9/11 to him. Nice idea. Lastly, there is this 3rd grader who gets a concussion in the movie, wakes up from it hours later feeling fine, and then does this high flying stunt to help save the day. If that’s not “Trashcan Juice,” I don’t know what is!  Football players can’t even play for a week or two when they get a concussion, let alone a kid being able to go about things like nothing happened. “TRASHCAN JUICE!”

Posted: 01/01/08