“BUG” starring Ashley Judd (2006)
Review by: Tony Shitbag

I want to meet the person who thought that making this movie was a good idea so I can mushroom punch his children and drown him in a pool of fat grandma diarrhea. Choke on clumps of shit through a straw you fucker! I would rather baby-sit Damien than watch this again. I would rather knit a sweater. I would rather stand in front of the mirror and watch my hair grow.

From start to finish, this movie is about as thrilling as a library full of mute kids. I wanted to slit my wrists all over my popcorn. They should have handed out guns at the theatre, along with suicide instructions and big black plastic bags for everybody to shoot their own brains into. A surgeon general’s warning should have been stamped on the back of my ticket saying “WARNING: This movie is known to cause barf, period blood, migraines, shriveled dicks and suicides. Watch at your own risk.”

This absolutely atrocious film is about a lesbian bartender (Ashley Judd) who decides to let a random, homeless, schizophrenic, psycho stranger live in her house after randomly meeting him one night. In the end, it turns out that this fuckin guy is convinced his whole body is infested with bugs. What a shocker! Who would have ever guessed that if you let a homeless weirdo in your house, he might start doing really weird things?

The only part of this movie that made me happy was when it was over. At least everyone dies at the end. I wish I died at the beginning. I wish bugs would have eaten me alive in the theatre or at least chewed out my eyes. Why didn’t I just go to an aardvark museum or take a tour through a zoo full of dead animals? Sounds like a thousand times more fun than experiencing one second of this shitfest.

Posted: 01/01/08