Tim Burton's “CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY” starring Johnny Depp (2005)
Review by: Barney Bathroom

Everyone knows the story of Will Wonka and his crazy ass chocolate factory. What a great and original movie. I'm talking about Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) not Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005). This was Tim Burton's attempt to re-make a legendary film and guess what... he failed, but not miserably. Johnny Depp saves this movie from being public bathroom shit. Depp plays the character of Willy Wonka flawlessly, with smart ass comments and hilarious sarcasm. There is no better actor for this part, besides Gene Wilder who was the original Willy Wonka. This is all the praise I give this film.

Now get ready for my horrible experience on the release day of this film. Creamy Carlton and I rolled up to our friend Kenny’s house for a nice Friday evening BBQ to watch the Giants kick the shit out of the Dodgers. This evening was starting off great. Kenny then said to us, “Let's go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” Creamy and I then looked at each other with confusion, but that night we had nothing better to do so we agreed. Kenny then said, “Don't worry we'll get blazed before we go in and the movie will be hella funny.” So we called up our boy Ryan, he brought some trees, and one thing lead to another.

Once we got to the theater we found out that the movie started 30 minutes later than Kenny thought. Let me remind you that we were already space cadets at the time. We had to wait 30 more minutes for the movie to start and we had no more dank, so we couldn't smoke again and get a fresh high before the movie started. I ended up getting an Icee, a white cherry Icee to be exact because they didn't have regular cherry. What a waste of fuckin' money. Thanks for the shit ass Icee AMC! It tasted like water and crushed ice. I might as well have stuck my face under the bathroom sink faucet and drink the tap water. To even make my movie experience worse before the movie even started, I also bought some shit ass Reese's balls as well. Those shits sucked dick (Creamy, Kenny, and Ryan agreed)! I was pretty pissed off once the movie actually started.

Now here is what ruined the film. The so called “Umpa Lumpa’s” were annoying as fuck! They didn't even have green hair and white faces. It was just one guy multiplied and shortened. This guy wasn’t even a midget! He didn't have any make-up on. Plus when these little multiplied munchkin bastard fucks would start to sing, it was all up beat and gay pop/techno shit. I could barely understand the words. Every time they started to sing I wanted to kill myself. How can you make the loveable Umpa Lumpa into such trash? Nice job Burton you fuck! They are the only characters that sing throughout the whole film. The original was a musical! Willy Wonka didn't even bust out in song when he showed the children his eatable forest. What a crock of shit! The original film blows away this piss stream of a re-make. If you're a fan of the original do not see this film because it will just piss you off.

Posted: 01/01/08