“CLOVERFIELD” produced by J.J. Abrams (2007)
Review by: Barney Bathroom

To make a good movie you need some sort of plot. 84 straight minutes of some friends running around New York screaming like raped monkeys searching for their lost friend who survives from being inside a collapsing building is not “ground breaking,” as many said this movie was supposed to be. It was more like “neck breaking” from all the damn turbulence that was going on in my living room. I felt like the Jolly Green Giant grabbed me and started shaking me to death. It was a paralyzing experience. This movie was as enjoyable as tripping and falling on my face in the street. If you want to experience this movie without even watching it just stand on the roof of your house or apartment, or wherever the fuck you live, and jump head first onto the sidewalk. Once you come around, or if you even come around, you’ll scream, “Awesome!” because you just experienced Cloverfield.

What is the point? There are no reasons why. What are the answers? This big ass monster is fucking up New York, but does anyone know why? Does anyone know what it is or where it came from? To make a good movie you need plot and this plot was as good as a story about a man waking up in the morning and taking a shit. If you’re going to give me a fuckin’ seizure at least entertain me while doing so! This movie had a beginning, but no ending; it ended earlier than it should have. It’s just like that story of the guy taking a shit that I just mentioned… Imagine if the beginning of that story started with him waking up and walking into the bathroom. When the story ends this guy should wipe his ass, possibly wash his hands, and leave the bathroom right? What if the story ended and he was still on the toilet taking a shit? What happens when he’s done!? Does he wipe his ass? Does he start wacking off? I DON’T KNOW CUZ THE STORY JUST ENDS WITHOUT ME KNOWING!!! Way to leave me hanging dicks! These simple questions could have been answered if the story was properly finished, but since these fucks don’t know how to tell stories correctly, we all get the shaft.

Posted: 05/25/08