“DOOM” starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (2005)
Review by: Tony Shitbag

Holy fuckin shit! Somebody tell me that this movie isn't real. Someone slap me in the face and pinch my rosy fuckin’ cheeks and convince me that this rotten trash bag was all just a bad dream. I can’t believe this movie actually came out in theatres. I mean, did the producers for this film hire Corkie from life goes on to write this script? I would rather pay $10 to smell shoes at an old folk's home than pay $10 to stare at this heaping pile of dirt.

Man oh man, just when I thought I had seen it all... This film takes the fuckin’ cake! Ladies and Gentleman, this is the worst movie ever made! Seriously, if there was such a thing as a shit-judging contest, where judges sat at a table and judged plates of shit, I could enter the contest, put this movie on a plate, and easily win first prize. This movie should be rated G for Gay! G for Garbage! G for Gag on my sweaty socks ROCK! I wanna do the people's elbow on your kids for sellin’ out like this. 

DOOM! Ha! I have never seen a more appropriately titled film. I felt like I met my doom the moment I sat in the theatre. Watching this movie is like sitting in an empty bathroom and staring at a toilet full of shitty barf. I LITERALLY felt like I was dying over and over again every fuckin’ minute. I swear, if it were possible to die from watching something too gay, I would have been pronounced deceased the day this shit came out. Fuck this movie!

As I'm sure you've noticed, I haven't said a single word about the plot yet. Guess what? There isn't one. It's about some fruity space station filled with a bunch of cheese dicks, laser guns, and monsters. This is no academy award winner folks; this is the movie that everyone already forgot they saw; this is the movie that nobody recommends to each other; this is the movie nobody rents. You couldn't pay me any amount of money to watch this again. If this film ever hits stores on DVD, I don't care if it comes duck taped to Jessica Biel's cooch, I'm not buyin’ it. I'm fuckin’ it before I leave the store, but I'm not buyin’ it. Ha ha.

Posted: 01/01/08