“ERAGON” starring Edward Speleers & John Malkovich (2006)
Review by: Barney Bathroom

I thought that dragons were supposed to be terrifying. Dragons burn your fucking house down, smash your cattle, and eat your children without giving a shit. They don’t telepathically sweet talk with humans and say, “Thank you” and “Be careful.” What is this? I thought this was a fantasy movie about dragons fucking up shit and not a fairy tale that I can tell to my kids before they go to sleep. Dragons are violent, so where’s the God damn violence! All I saw was soft core porn starring the dragon and its rider.

Out of all the names to choose for the dragon rider why choose Eragon? You can’t take a name that can be confused with Aragorn from Lord of the Rings! Why the fuck are elves and dwarfs discussed in this movie? Is the writer trying to make people think that this has something to do with Lord of the Rings? This movie’s trying to jump on the Lord of the Rings bus and sit in the front. Well sorry Eragon, you’re not Rosa Parks, you can’t make a difference, you’re a hobo that lives in an alley and fucks stray cats.

Along with this posing as a Lord of the Rings film and pussy fairy tale plot, the acting was awful. I’ve seen better acting in a kindergarten Christmas play. I’d rather watch my dog lick his pink boner. I can’t believe that John Malkovich accepted to cast himself with all these emotionless idiots. No wonder he only interacts with one character the whole movie. Watching this movie is like watching your grandparents having sex or watching a fat guy drink his own pee; it’s ugly, disgusting, and horrible, but surprising as well… so surprising in fact that your eyes widen and your mouth opens in disgust, but you can’t turn away.

Posted: 01/13/08