“GARFIELD” starring Jennifer Love Hewitt (2005)
Review by: Tony Shitbag

As usual, Shitbag does not beat around the bush, so lemmie give it to you point blank: I would have rather seen a two hour film of Odie getting a rim job from John Arbuckle than watch this blasphemous re-creation of a classic cartoon series turned into an animated gay parade.

This "movie," if you can call it that, was a disgusting re-make. The Sunday morning classic cartoon version of Garfield was a lazy, mischievous, likeable, stoney ass cat who liked his fuckin' lasagna hot! That's the kinda cat I was hoping to see in this film when I rented it. Instead, I saw a fuckin’ little bitch ass pussy that bothered the shit outta me. If it were possible to strangle a TV, I would have done so.

Fuck it; let's be lenient here for a moment. Let's give this movie a break and go ahead and disregard the fact that Garfield is an animated character and the rest of the fuckers are humans. Let's also disregard the fact that the LEAD ROLE (John Arbuckle) in this film is the fuckin’ skater clown from "Clueless" who hasn't been in a movie since Mike Tyson won a fight. Hell, let's even forget all about the fact that Garfield has a monotone voice that would put Andy Dick to sleep. Regardless, there is one thing I cannot let slide: Where are Jennifer Love Hewitt's titties in this movie?

Yes, Jennifer Love Hewitt is in this movie, and usually she at least wears some clothes that make her boobies bounce like a power ball while she giggles like a schoolgirl sucking a lollypop. But no, the director couldn't even get that right. Fuckin’ loser! Who wants to see Jennifer Love Hewitt in a movie while she is wearing clothes? That's like going to a porn theatre to watch Babar the Elephant cartoons. I love Jennifer Love's love cushions and I wanted to see them shits. Jennifer, here's a word of advice if you happen to be in the Garfield sequel: just wear a sports bra, stand next to Garfield, and do jumping jacks the whole time. Up and down. Up and down. Bounce them shits ‘til your pie beard sweats! At least then, this film would be better.

For now, the verdict is that this film is homo. John Arbuckle is gay. Jennifer is clothed. Garfield is boring. Two thumbs down. Two balls in the mouth of the director.

Posted: 01/01/08