M. Night Shyamalan's “THE VILLAGE”
Review by: Tony Shitbag

Ladies and Gentleman: This film is about to be covered in shit. Why, you ask? Because I am physically going to wipe my asshole with it. And, for the first time in my 25 years on this earth, I am shitting all over a movie that I have not even seen. Allow me to explain.

Over half a year ago, on a warm summer evening my friend Jonny and I burned a bit of greenery and headed to the local Burger King for some munchies. Having ordered our food, we carried our royal blue trays to the nearest booth and plopped ourselves within its seats. At this time, we began conversing about the movies we had seen recently. I specifically remember us agreeing upon the fact that Harold and Kumar is a classic stoner flick. Next, I saw Jonny’s face cringe into a frown, as he began describing “the worst movie ever.”

Jonny had recently gone to watch The Village with my other friend, Kenny. And from the way he described the film, he would have rather watched footage of himself getting a root canal than this piece of trash. As Jonny told me, “Nothing happens in this movie Shitbag. You sit there in the theatre for two hours just waiting for something cool to happen. But it never does. No one even dies in this stupid film and it’s supposed to be a horror movie!”

See, now that is where I draw the line. If a movie is supposed to be scary, the director better suck it up and make that shit frightening. Cuz if I go to a horror movie, I want to see some death. I want destruction. I don’t need this mysterious baby shit. Fuck off Shyamalan and make some better movies without weird un-scary aliens or stupid villagers with masks. You suck.

Posted: 01/01/08