PEOPLE (Part 1)
Review by: Tony Shitbag

I hate people; almost all of them. If I don’t know you, then I hate you. If I do know you, then I probably hate you too, but secretly. I may even be elaborately planning your death. I bet all of you are probably reading this, wondering, “Even me? Does he hate me too?” The answer is YES. I fucking hate you! Jump off a bridge and make history.

People are stupid pieces of shit. I hate them. I hate telemarketers. Stop calling my house you fuck! Do you realize what you do for a living? You’re basically like a kid with a plastic toy phone, dialing random numbers and talking to imaginary friends. Nobody wants to buy your timeshare in Ecuador or whatever the fuck you’re selling dickmouth. Go fuck a cactus. I hate all you fat fucks that breathe and chew loud. Is it really that hard to eat? Breathing is not a sport, so stop competing with each other to see who can do it the loudest! I hate kids. They’re all a bunch of noise-boxes. I have a cure for ADD: a swift punch to the face! Parents, shut your kids the fuck up! If you’re at a restaurant or church or anywhere in public and your kid starts whining like a little bitch, FUCKIN’ DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! If I see one more parent smile happily while his kid yelps in my eardrum like a wounded duck, I am gonna start turning children into piñatas.

I hate anyone that asks me how I’m doing, especially if I don’t know you. What the fuck do you care? I don’t care how you’re doing. Matter of fact, I hope you’re doing horribly. I hope you get home from work early today and find your wife cheating on you. You know why? Because I hate you! Because I didn’t come to the fuckin’ grocery store to make small talk with you faggot. Ring up my lunch and shut up. Is this Oprah? Am I on a talk show fuckface? Don’t ever ask me how I’m doing or I’ll ask you to chew on my nuts! I hate joggers. Go run off a cliff. Being in shape is for fags. Who the fuck moves for fun? Being active is not fun. Sitting is fun. Smoking is fun. Things that require you to move your legs are dumb. Wheelchairs are the best.

I hate injured people. If you have a cast or a broken bone, I hate you. Pussy. Who goes to the doctor? That shit is for homos. Stop limping around on your crutches looking for sympathy you little bitch. Be a man. Hurt yourself and laugh about it. And stop telling me about how you injured yourself like it’s really interesting. I can promise you I don’t care. Dropping a toaster on your thumb doesn’t make you brave Tonto. I hate anyone named Doug. I hate the people who collect bridge toll. Cocksuckers! Who works in a booth? Are you selling movie tickets queers? What a bunch of miserable assholes. Could you have a bigger frown on your face? Why does it take you 10 minutes to count four quarters? C’mon America, It shouldn’t take a genius to determine that if you can’t speak English, you probably can’t count too well either. Build some fuckin’ machines to collect our shit so these tollbooth fucks will stop pissing me off!

I hate chipper people who are happy all the time. What are you? A fuckin’ hummingbird? Go chirp on a dick. What the hell is so great in your life? Did you just win the dork Olympics? Fuck, I didn’t realize every day was Christmas ‘til you came around you carol singing faggot. You look like a kid during an Easter egg hunt with that big old stupid grin on your face. I hope you get mugged. For fuck’s sake, at least you’d be sad for a while. Choke on some tears. Your smile is annoying the shit out of me. I hate vacationing families. Buy a map that leads you to anywhere I’m not. I don’t want to see your wife’s gray muff hanging out the side of her pie trap while I’m relaxing on the beach. Take your family somewhere else, like hell.

I hate you. If you’re wondering why and it wasn’t answered above, please read People (Part 2)…

Posted: 01/01/08

Read Tony Shitbag's People (Part 2) Review