“BJ'S RESTAURANT & BREWHOUSE” 2206 Bridgepointe Pkwy. San Mateo, CA
Review by: Tony Shitbag

Before you decide to ruin your life and head to this restaurant, ask yourself this question: Why don't I just eat my food off the floor of a Special Olympics porta-potti instead? Or maybe you should just take a bacon cheeseburger, dip it in a bucket of barfy piss, and then chow that shit down. Cuz this place sucks hairy dick sack.

This restaurant is like homo heaven. Absolutely everything is gay. The waiters probably have a contest in the kitchen to see how many dicks they can suck before they bring out our food. The cooks probably put little chef-hat condoms on their wangs and bake cakes in each other's asses. Queers!

Aren't the hostesses at the door supposed to be attractive? Why was I ushered to my table by a gremlin? Did the ugly train drop all its passengers off at BJ's? On top of that, I get this dip shit, fuck face waiter who doesn't ask what I want to drink until a half hour after I sit down. This motherfucker has the nerve to take another half hour to bring the beverages to the table. This weirdo lookin' son of a bitch combs his hair like a boy band fruitcake. Fuckin' asshole just drops the drinks on the table and runs away, doesn't even look at me. I wanted to rip his faggy nametag off his shirt and beat him with it.

He comes back five minutes later and takes my order. I get potato skins and a plain bacon cheeseburger with fries. 40 minutes later, some weird lookin' girl pops up next to me holding some potato skins. She puts the plate on the table and walks away. Guess what? THEY'RE HALF FROZEN STILL. These motherfuckers got me chewing icy cheese! Now I'm on some Jack Burton "son of a bitch must pay" shit. I don't fuck with that icy cheese!

I'm angry as fuck at this point, but I'm also hungry. So I said fuck it, I'm gonna eat the potato skins anyway. I went to reach for a second potato skin and realized something. As I looked around the table, here is what I saw: No plates. No silverware. No Napkins. Nothing. Nowhere to be found. I'm guessing maybe BJ's was playing hide and go seek with the forks and knives and plates and they thought that keeping them as far away from the customers as possible would make us like them more?

When dinner finally arrived, I felt like I was 40 years old, like I had literally been waiting for my food for 17 years. I didn't even care that the burger was good. I still hated it. I want every employee at BJ's to give their own dad a BJ for the horrible service I had to suffer through. I mean, these fucks don't even have free refills on their "world famous" root beer. I should take a "world famous" dump all over the countertop of their bar and smear that shit all over the place! Smear that stool all over the stools and cups and everything! Fuck this place! Only metrosexuals like this dirt shack.

Posted: 01/01/08