“EL TORITO” 1590 Old Bayshore Dr. Burlingame, CA
Review by: Tony Shitbag

GOOD GOD! Somebody call the fuckin' health department right now! I’m serious! Call now! Report this place! Here’s the San Mateo County health department’s phone number: (650) 573-2582. I would call them myself, but I already wrote this review for you to read. So the way I look at it, it’s the least you could do for me.

THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE THE SHOES YOU RENT AT A BOWLING ALLEY! WOW! It smells like my proudest poo. It smells like a county dump full of expired milk. It smells like a porta-potti full of shitty piss. It smells like a room full of dead people covered in rotten meat. It smells like a zoo full of poo and grandparent’s feet. I swear to Christ, I almost fainted after catching a mere whiff while entering El Torito’s doorway.

This place probably has more dead animals laying around in it than a pet cemetery. I bet at night time, this place probably turns into fuckin' Jumanji and all the animals dance around gingerly on the stovetops. Why don’t you just cook a zoo? Fuckin' dog meat cookers! I have never been so repulsed by the smell of a restaurant or the food in a restaurant EVER!

If I wanted a plate full of refried diarrhea, I could have brought a plate into my bathroom. The salsa looked like “goblin period.” I couldn’t even eat! All I had was a glass of water and that didn’t even feel safe. Who knows what kind of weird shit goes on in this smelly place? They might as well fire all their waiters and cooks, hire janitors and sweatshop kids, and turn this place around! DO SOMETHING! CHANGE THE SMELL OF YOUR FUCKIN' RESTAURANT YOU SONS OF BITCHES!

Posted: 01/01/08