“KNUCKLES HISTORIC SPORTS BAR” 1333 Old Bayshore Dr. Burlingame, CA
Review by: Tony Shitbag

If you're looking for a great place to commit suicide on your birthday, just go to Knuckles Sports Bar in Burlingame. Even if you have no reason at all to kill yourself, just show up and I promise that they will make you wanna die. Stepping foot in this place is like falling down a Super Mario time warp that takes you to a level full of smelly fags and moldy cunts.

Somebody call a negotiator to talk me out of jumping off the roof and killing myself. I would rather eat dynamite than eat here again. I would rather eat a bowl of spiders. I would rather chew on a bag of earwax. Eating dinner here is like eating dinner at a funeral.

I want the owner of Knuckles and all of its employees to shove their own knuckles up their asses in front of a kindergarten class during show and tell time. Fuck you and your microwave hamburgers! These motherfuckers think they can get away with cooking Play-Doh and serving it because they give us buckets of peanuts to chew on while we wait for our food. OOOOOH! WOW! Do we really get to eat unlimited peanuts and throw the shells on the floor? How exciting! What a perk! What am I, six years old? Do I look like I want a bag of peanuts? Fuck you! Matter of fact, I'm surprised there are even any peanuts left at this place with all the fuckin' elephants that work there.

This whole experience gave me a pretty good idea of what hell is like. First off, we get to this place at 8:00 P.M. on a Tuesday and there isn't a single table available in any area near a TV. We had to grab three different Tiny Tim tables from all around the bar and combine them together to sit down. I felt like Bob Vila trying to build a place to sit. Do you serve tool belts with your peanuts you faggots? Give me some chairs and a table motherfuckers! This isn't Home Improvement. I shouldn't have to build a fort in your restaurant to eat in.

To top it all off, there were only two waitresses in the entire restaurant, and sure enough, they were both some ugly bitches. The one who took our order looked like Ursula from the Little Mermaid. The one who served us our food looked like her skin was melting off her face. All of my friends that came along with me repeatedly informed the waitresses that it was my birthday. They didn't give a fuck whatsoever! Neither of them sang "Happy Birthday" or brought me a slice of cake. Instead, one of them went so far as to sarcastically remark, "Isn't that great?" Bitch, I will fuckin' kill you! You better grab Ursula and start singing "Under the Sea" before I stab you in the neck or beat you senseless with a hefty bag of poo until brown chunks drip all over your aprons! Why didn't these faggots just sing me "Sad Birthday" instead? Is this all I have to look forward to? God, please strike this place with lighting.

Knuckles' food tastes like stale 7/11 leftovers. The waitresses look like they were chained in a dungeon and beaten about the face their entire lives. The bar looks like a bucket of piss. Spending your birthday here is comparable to spending the night in bed with your Uncle.

Posted: 01/01/08

Read Barney Bathroom's Knuckles Review
Read Creamy Carlton's Knuckles Review