“ORIGINAL BUFFALO WINGS” 1065 Holly St. #D, San Carlos, CA
Review by: Tony Shitbag

Holy Fuck! If I wanted to chew on sewage, I would have just shit on a cracker. This place is disgusting! It smells like a room full of burnt feet and rotten tuna. My God! There is so much hair on the floor that I thought I was at a barber shop. This is not even a restaurant; it’s like a dorm room full of frozen food and immigrants.

Their menu is dirtier than a hooker’s butthole crust. It’s one of those magnet menus where all the letters and numbers are really just magnets stuck to a large board. However, this place is so goddamn dirt poor that they actually ran out of letters, covered them with masking tape, and wrote the prices on top of the tape instead. Why don’t you just draw a menu on a cardboard sign you homeless fucks?! Way to keep your customers coming back for more.

Inside of this establishment are two of the creepiest things I’ve ever encountered anywhere that people eat. First of all, there is a CREEPY kids table in the very back of this place. It’s like that table that all of your relatives send you to on Thanksgiving when you’re four years old, but much fuckin' CREEPIER! The more I think about it, it wasn’t even a table, it was a tiny little wooden desk with a filthy pink tablecloth on it. This tablecloth is so dirty that if a sick kid blew his nose on it he would die. There were so many stains all over it that it looked like a fat man’s underwear. On top of this freaky tablecloth is a bunch of the oldest, dirtiest toys on Earth and a huge pile of coloring books that are already completely filled with coloring! WEIRD! What is this? A molestation station? I bet you lure children to the back of your shop with coloring books and then shove dirty toys in their asses while you press their faces into the tablecloth! You sick freaks!

The second and possibly even creepier thing I noticed was that these people actually live in the restaurant! In plain view of the public, right next to the bathroom, there is one of those weird curtain things that people get dressed behind in the movies. And behind this curtain, I shit you not, there is an entire house’s worth of belongings! Suitcases, clothes, pillows, lamps; you name it, it’s there. Everything is all stacked up into one huge pyramid of trash. I couldn’t believe my fuckin' eyes! This is a restaurant, not summer camp! Store your sleeping bags in your car you homeless fucks! I bet the old guy behind the counter sleeps in the deep fryer and that’s why his face looks like a scared dick.

There are red floor mats all over the ground that look like they were pissed on a few thousand times by cavemen. The old, creepy, foreign guy behind the counter looks like a burnt pop tart come to life. His face is darker than a bag of dirt and when he smiles, the yellow stains on his teeth make me feel like the sun is shining in my eyes. This guy has the dirty hands of a mechanic and the look of a serial killer. Needless to say, he is not too graceful when it comes to cooking either. He starts up the deep fryer and spikes that shit in there hella hard like he just caught a chicken touchdown. I don’t get how a place this filthy and sick is still open for business. Who eats here besides rats? Not me, not ever.

Posted: 01/01/08